Virtually Inaccessible
I should have been tipped off when our Slovenian
guide looked me at as if my head had just sprouted a glow-in-the-dark unicorn horn
studded with bedazzled rhinestones perfectly placed by a unicorn horn bedazzler
(as seen on TV, I’m guessing).
“Yes, the cave eez technically wheelchair accessible,”
she said, pronouncing each syllable of “technically” with intent. She tried to
illustrate the steepness of the path through Postojna Caves with her hand. Her
palm was a few degrees shy of vertical. Laura was thinking, clearly, it couldn’t
be that steep. After all, there were people on our tour who did not appear to
be mountaineers. Meanwhile, obviously, I was thinking one thing: game on.
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| At least the train was accessible. |
Postojna Caves, a vast karst system, is one of the
most popular tourist attractions in Slovenia. Tourists travel deep underground
by train 3.5 kilometers, about an 8-minute ride, before reaching the 1.5-kilometer
“accessible” walking trail. Their website boasts “wheelchair users friendly.”
Of course I’m friendly. This should have been a flag, color red. And if I had
bothered to vet the cave on TripAdvisor, I might have stumbled on the one-star
review by a fellow wheelchair user with the headline “virtually inaccessible
for handicapped.” Even so, my brain would have said, Virtually? So you’re sayin’
there’s a chance! Stupid, stupid, brain.
Indeed, the cave train was accessible, and the eight
minutes were breathtaking as we zipped by stalactites, stalagmites, and all
those other cool things you see in caves. But the whole breathtaking part took
on an entirely new, literal meaning as we started our 1.5-km walk, er hike, er
climb. Picture the polar opposite of ADA accessibility, or the steepest path
one can walk without needing a rope. And a harness. Perhaps there was a reason
I didn’t see any other wheelchair users on the trail. Of the 37 million
tourists who have visited over the years, I imagine the total number of
wheelchair users attempting the walking trail could fit on one train car.
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| Lovely switchbacks. |
As Laura and I chugged up the first incline, a few
things became immediately apparent. One, I would have to crank as hard I could.
Two, Laura would have to push as hard as she could. And three, once we had
momentum, other tourists better back the hell up because we were going to
steamroll them. This technique worked, barely, as we reached the apex of that
introductory hill, which exposed the full folly of our decision.
Our path then went straight down. Before going
straight up again. And down again. Over and over for the next hour.
I’m not sure which part was more terrifying. The
precipitous ups or the precipitous downs, where we both tried to keep the
wheelchair from skidding out of control, ramming the safety railing, and launching
me into a bed of very pointy stalagmites to meet my grisly doom like a James
Bond villain.
Bug-eyed fellow tourists generously wanted to help
the guy in the wheelchair with the unicorn horn. Some wanted to help push,
others wanted to pull, while yet others took on the job of flagger, warning the
throngs ahead with waving arms. It was a full-on team effort involving tourists
from around the world. (I cannot tell you how many Japanese grandmothers we had
to shoosh from trying to assist.)
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| Ah, the exit! Way, way down there. |
Top photo courtesy Wikipedia by Ivan Ivankovic from Dubrovnik, Croatia.
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